Socially Awkward Courting

Hey, all none of you. I'm in a pissy mood, and this is a pissy entry. Feel free to skip it.

"No," you say, "I'm emotionally invested in your livelihood, Jenica. Why are you pissy?"

Let me tell you.

It all started one day (I'm pretty sure it was a Wednesday) at the Ohio Union which is, for all none of you who don't know, the student center on OSU's campus. So I'm chilling, writing on my laptop, when my friend Wayland walks up to me and says, "Oh hey, Jenica! What are you doing? You should come to Glee Lunch with me!"

"Can I go?" I asked. "I'm not IN Glee."

"Oh, sure," he responds, "It's no big.

And so it began.

Glee Lunch was a lot of fun. I had a good time making friends and being funny because, believe it or not, I'm sociable. Again (if you've read my earlier posts), I'm great at being friendly. It's opening up that's my problem. So, making friends, yada yada. I'm invited to the Men's Glee party. Now, among the ranks of the musical, these parties are infamous. Put 100 of hormonal people into a house with tons of alcohol and just let the sordidness begin.

Glee party. I decide to dress up a bit, for once, so I put on some makeup and a dress. I look damn good, if I say so myself. So, I have a bit to drink (read: a bit TOO MUCH) and go converse. Now, typically, I like to give hugs when drunk. But this time, I said, "I should give KISSES instead! Those are just like hugs, but with your face!"

Yes. Facepalm.

I won't go into details, because I don't really remember them, but I ended up kissing six people that night. Understand that this quadruples my number of kissing partners in my ENTIRE LIFE. I'm NOT a slut, as people now like to joke. I'm just about the furthest thing from it. So, kissing. And one of those boys I kissed was named... well, let's call him... Hans. That's not his real name, because apparently you can rip someone apart as long as you don't name drop (we'll get to that in a few paragraphs).

Hans sat next to me at lunch a lot, and he's a really nice guy. He has a great laugh, one that you can hear across a room, and he has a witty sense of humor. But, I only ever saw him as a friend. Well, I don't think I need to tell you what happened, now. But I will anyway. Because I'm pissed, and this is MY BLOG, Goddammit. So Hans, one day, is helping me with my German homework (part of my râison d'alias, I'll have you know) and he says, "You know, I could tutor you in German, if you wanted."

Immediately, red warning lights go off in my head, but I give him the benefit of the doubt and say, "Sure!" I give him my number and we set up a [date/appointment/meeting/whateveryoucalltutortime]. At this point, because I'm a middle-schooler when it comes to anything romance-y, I go to a lot of my friends in Glee and say, "Hans offered to tutor me, but it sounds date-y."

A few days later, one of my friends comes up to me and tells me that Hans has been hinting that he has a ladyfriend and, though he wouldn't name-drop (no, this isn't the reference. Wait, young grasshopper.), the girl he described sounded awfully like me. They go on to warn me that Dan tends to fall for the wrong girls, and he gets very clingy about it. I should watch my step. Still, I think, I can't turn him down unless he makes a move, which he hasn't.

Nonetheless, I find a reason to cancel our date/appt./meeting. He's totally cool with it, which relieves me. A while later, he invites me to dinner. "Oh God, this is it," I think. "Confrontation time."

I text him back, "As a date, or as friends?" because that's about as confrontational I get and, to be honest, that does send a message. "Oh," he replies, "I wasn't really thinking in those terms. You just seemed like a cool gal, and I'd like to get to know you better."

Seems innocent enough. I agree to dinner.

So meanwhile, lest you think me a frigid bitch, I have this crush on a guy. I still do, as a matter of fact. I haven't gotten the nerve up to ask him out. Anyway, I've liked this guy for months. Before the Glee Party, before all of it. Let's call him... Bryan. Bryan and Hans are in the same section of Glee. In fact, Hans is Bryan's big (they have bigs and littles, like frats). While I'm relating to you this story, keep in mind that I like Bryan. A lot. I may make a separate blog entry about him.

I go to dinner with Hans. I have an amazing time, actually, and so does he. We talk about anything and everything, and I walk away going, "Wow, I've found a really amazing friend. I needn't have worried."

I need have worried. A couple days later, he texts me a question. Nothing too intimate, nor something trivial. I don't remember it now. I text him back, and we have a short conversation. A couple days later, he texts me again. And, later, again. After a week, I realize how over-my-head I've gotten. They're all innocuous, though, so I can't reject him outright, but he definitely has taken a keen interest in me. But, still, I internally plead, maybe he's just that friendly.

Now I'm aware that that's naïve of me. I knew it was naïve then, but I wanted things to work out. So I responded dutifully to his texts, even though it pained me to maintain an amiable demeanor when I knew that he read it as more.

Back to the story. He texts me just about every other day for a few weeks. Simple questions, friendly questions, etc. While I enjoyed the attention, I couldn't shake that sense of dread that accompanied each text: this was going to end badly.

We're going to fast forward to the end, now, because I'm tired, my pissed-off has worn off, and this story is long. Hans asks me to go to lunch one day and I realize, this is it. This is my opportunity to gently tell Hans that I'm not interested. So I respond, and I quote, "Um. I'm not so sure that's a great idea, actually. I'm kind of pursuing this guy I really like... and going out with someone else seems kind of horrible of me. I'm sorry."

To me, that text says many things. It says "I'm interested in someone that's not you" without being cruel. It says, "I'm not trying to lead you on, and I don't want anyone to get any wrong ideas." It also says that I'm not trying to be a horrible person. I am proud of this text. It is crafty and honest, without being mean.

"Ah. Alrighty." is his response. What does this mean? Is this an, "Oh, okay. No big deal, have fun with your manfriend," or is it, "Oh, that's how it is? I see."

This was yesterday.

Today was a Glee Lunch. Hans and I saw each other but we didn't speak. We sat at separate tables. That happens often, but I was a little over-cautious about it today. I really hate face-to-face confrontations.

Tonight, after a particularly shitty day, I receive a text, from Hans, that reads something along the lines of, "Hey, sorry if you overheard me today. I reacted out of hurt and, while I didn't name-drop, I acted callously and I'm sorry."

This is the reference. Because EVERYONE in Glee knows about Hans and his feelings for me. He didn't NEED to name-drop. He was a passive-aggressive jerk and he is covering his ass. I realize that now, but at the time I was confused. "Oh," I wrote back, "I didn't hear you. I am sorry, though. I tried my best NOT to be a bitch, but I might've failed a bit. :("

Now, for clarification, I know that I have not been a bitch. I've been nothing but nice to this guy, despite his creepy, interrogative behavior. I'm giving him an out, here, to say, "Oh, it's okay. Bygones, what have you."

These, sadly, were not his words. Instead, he laments that I've been sending him mixed signals and, when he really thought he had an in, I shot him down "like the Red Baron." He finishes this deplorably whiny text with, "I wouldn't say you were a bitch about it but... I dunno. Ow."

Despite my utter ire at this, I appreciated the Dune reference.

Back to the ire, UGHHHH. GRRRAAWWRRR AND OTHER ANGRY ONOMATOPOEIA WORDS. I gave you an OUT, Hans, and you not only didn't take it, you WHINED about it. I never sent you mixed signals. How could I do that when I was never attracted to you??? I was being FRIENDLY. FRIENDLY. How DARE you even consider me in the realm of bitchiness after the way I treated you.

When I questioned him about these mixed signals, he said, "I dunno. I felt like I was surveying you more than conversing with you." No. Duh. You texted me questions ALL THE TIME. It was CREEPY.

And here's the kicker, he tells me he "fell for me" when I kissed him. Drunk. Firstly, sweetheart, you are NOT in love with me. You don't know a lick about me. Don't give me "fell for" crap. Secondly, I was drunk. I don't like to blame things on alcohol, but it does apply in this case. My kisses were freely given that night, a fact I deeply regret. Bryan was at that party, and he hasn't let me forget what a slut I was. Anyway, you can't base a requited crush on a drunken kiss!

I'm ending the rant there. I know I wasn't at fault, just as I know he isn't really at fault. Hans is a really sweet person and, while I regret being friendly to him for so long, I don't regret getting to know him. He is one of those guys that goes on, under-appreciated, for years before someone good snatches him up. The lady that deserves his heart is a far better person than I. Hans is just awkward, and he wooed me the best he could. It didn't work, because I am devoted to the idea that one day I'll get up the courage to ask Bryan out, but he still tried. And I know this post is angry and hurtful, because he did hurt me and I was angry, but... that's life, isn't it? So I really do think this post belongs on this blog. Socially awkward boy meets socially awkward girl. Boy tries to woo girl, boy fails. Girl tries to spare boy, girl fails. Both parties feel horrible, and both will probably add this experience to the shell of awkward. And on the world turns.