Socially Awkward Romance, Part 1

Hiya. So, some big things have happened recently that make me want to place their memory in cyberspace forevermore. This is the chronicle of my socially awkward romance. We have a deliciously uncomfortable start.

As many of you can tell by the posting date, I am writing this entry the Saturday before Halloween. If you are or have ever been a college student, you know what that means: parties. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

If you read "Socially Awkward Courting," you'll remember that this guy, Hans (not his real name), liked me, but I wasn't really aware that we were more than friends, and the whole thing blew up in my face. You'll also remember that I had a mondo-crush on this other boy, Bryan (again, not his real name), who was Hans' little. You can see that this is a... delicate situation. And I am a bull in a china shop. Oh well. (Actually, that's not a good analogy, because bulls just avoid the object. Mythbusters, man. Cracking down on the idioms.)

Alright, let's combine these two concepts: there was a Glee party last night, which both Bryan and I attended. We spent a lot of the night together, being awkward friends. We both smoke weed, so we ended up doing that a bit, too. Sorry, if I have any readers out there that take moral offense to my drug use. I'd combat that with, "It's a party! Underage drinking!"... but I don't care. You can accept my recreational pursuits or not, it's your choice.

So we were both high, watching all the drunk people act stupid. It's a pretty fun time, not gonna lie. But the loudness (both audibly and socially) got to me, so we decided to head down to the basement of the party house and chill. There were people down there, but they were in small crowds and the music was much softer. We sat on the empty couch and chatted a bit. When I say chatted, let me be clear: we had brief spurts of conversation with a lot of silence mixed in. I was literally floundering for conversation topics, and none were coming to mind. We sat like that for a while, just talking and observing.

Enter Chris, who plays such a cool/horrible part that I'm using his real name. Chris is dressed up as Abe Lincoln which, for some reason, was really important to me at the time. "You guys," he says, waving a finger back and forth between us drunkenly. "That's a thing, isn't it? Yeah. You guys are going to happen. I bet it's gonna happen tonight, isn't it?"

Just in case anyone isn't clear on this point, he means sex. Sex is going to happen tonight.

"Ah... no... um.." we both mumble, looking everywhere but at each other and Chris.

"Jenica," Chris says, "Do you have feelings for Bryan?"

I feel my face getting warm. "Um... [silence] no?"

"No, Jenica," Chris replies. "Look me in the face and tell me you don't have feelings for Bryan."

Oh dear sweet Jesus. Let's just stop and realize how horribly awkward this is, especially for me. I've been pushing myself to ask this guy out for what, eight weeks? And THIS, of all scenarios, is how Bryan finds out? THIS?? Oh, please no. And I'm high.

Essentially, this was that moment where I went, "Please, God, turn me into a puddle. Or vapor. Or anything else that can't answer that question. But, alas, I remained human, so I answered.

".... You really suck Chris." My face is bright red, and I'm staring at my lap.

Bryan and Chris both laugh. "Alright, I'll leave you two to figure that out, then. Oh yeah, this is happening," Chris grins. And then, to put the cherry on top of the awkward cake, Chris continues.

"Earmuffs, Jenica," he says.

"What?" I reply, not understanding how we went from this awkward shitfest to outerwear.

"Oh--" Chris replies, exasperated. He covers my ears with his hands. This does nothing to impede my ability to hear. "Do you need anything, Bryan? You know. Because I have stuff."

He means condoms, FYI.

"Oh, um... no," Bryan says. I'd describe his actions more, but I have no idea what they were. I cast nary a glance his direction during this whole affair. "That's okay."

"Oh, okay," Chris returns, removing his hands. "Well, I'll leave you guys to it, but you better come to some conclusions tonight." (This is paraphrased. I was so mortified I wasn't really listening closely.)

He leaves, making us the last two people in the room. Silence.

"So," I begin, "do you maybe... wanna go out sometime?" Because what the FUCK ELSE am I supposed to say at this point??

"Yeah, sure," he responds, like we were talking about the weather. I finally look over at him. He LOOKS like we were just talking about the weather. Screw him and his fucking poise.

"Really?" I say. "Um... do you want to go to Pera? It's Istanbul food."

"Is that like Greek food?" he asks. Affirmative. "I'd rather not."

"Oh." I think for a moment. "What about Noodles?"

"I love Noodles and Co." he responds.

"Cool. So... Noodles." I am so suave. They should use my lines in movies. Sarcasm.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I ask. "Only, it's not really a secret anymore, because you know about--yeah."

"Okay," he answers.

"I've kind of wanted to ask you out for, like, two months now," I mumble into my lap.

"Really?" he says. "You mean like since school started?"

"Well, it's been about ten weeks, so... yeah." My skirt has some frayed ends, I note.

Bryan laughs, and I look up to see him smiling openly at me. He scoots closer to me a few inches. Oh dear, my brain goes, he's coming in for a kiss. I think I'm too embarrassed for this right now. But... kissing Bryan. 

I scoot a bit closer to him. And we kiss.

I don't want to get all porny about it. Well, I kind of do, because it's my first kiss with this boy I've liked for a while, and I've written fanfiction before so I KNOW WHAT'S UP. But... God forbid anyone I know ever finds this.

We kiss for what feels like seconds and hours. I pull away. "Wait... I don't want this going too fast, is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure!" he says. "But I'm not sure what you mean by 'too fast.'"

I realize that my brain was a few steps beyond my body's actions, and we'd really done nothing "fast" at all. I'm already shackled in humiliation, what's a few more comments gonna do?

"I just... I really like you, and I don't want this to be just another 'Jenica kisses boys when drunk' thing. I want more out of this than that."

Looking back, I am really proud of that. Not only did I confront my desires and communicate them effectively, but I also made it clear that I don't enjoy acting under an influence. Needless to say, I felt like a ginormous douche at the time.

"Okay," Bryan says. "That's totally fine with me."

What a guy, eh? I picked a winner.

"Okay... so... Noodles, then," I say. At this point, I'm trying to be a little funny, because I need a shred of comfort zone before I combust. "Let's... um, let's go back upstairs."

I collect my things and we walk up the stairs to the first floor. The door is closed, so I go to open it. It opens a few inches before hitting a body. Chris' body. He sees us and, grinning proudly, like he's doing something heroic, shuts the door. I try the door again-- he's leaning against it.

"Well," I sigh, facing Bryan. "This is awkward." Understatement of my life, but I'm past the point of noticing.

"Yeah," Bryan grins. "Um... try again?"

I do just that. Nope. So I pound on the door, loudly saying, "Chris, let us out! C'mon, Chris. We KISSED, OKAY? LET US OUT."

Suddenly the door swings open and Chris, looking for all the world like a presidential fairy godmother, beams down at us. We get onto the first floor.

"Listen," I say, "I need to find my camera." I haven't mentioned it so far, because it was irrelevant until this point, I'd put my camera down somewhere and lost it. Also, it gave me cover to find a spot to freak out with hormonal glee.

I'm not going to get into the events from this point on, because they are also irrelevant. Long story short, I found some of my friends, freaked out and told them everything, to much celebration (EVERYONE knew about my crush on Bryan. I'm open-book-y like that), and found my camera. Eventually I see Bryan and he says, "I think I'm going to head home now."

"Okay," I say. "See you... Tuesday, then." Even my good-byes are awkward. Please, someone, save me from my cesspool of ineptitude.

He leaves. I text to get a ride home, then continue to freak out. Honestly, I'm still freaked out a bit.

Fast forward to now. Yes, right now. I'm breaking the fourth wall of blogging, and you guys are IN THE MOMENT WITH ME.

I have a lot of concerns. I'm now totally outside my comfort zone with this guy. Should I text him first? Should I wait for him to text me? Should I just wait until Tuesday, when I see him in class? What if I've messed everything up? What should we talk about at Noodles & Co.? Is it totally horrible to prepare conversation starter note cards? Finally, what if I'm so wrapped up in my awkwardness and overanalysis that I botch the whole thing up? I am so good at shutting myself off from people that, when sober, I may totally shut down on Bryan. And he doesn't deserve it, especially after the amazing way he handled the ball of dismay and shyness that was me last night.

Oh, and what in the hell am I going to wear?