(Okay. To be honest, the narrative should read, "Sometimes I give in and text him. Sometimes I stay strong and wait/pray/hope he texts me. Typically, I'm a pretty weak person.")
We talk about anything and everything. Why he hates Christmas, how glorious Tumblr is. Last night, we concocted a plot for becoming crime-fighting vigilantes, only with squirrels instead of bats. It's fantastic. But, it sucks. When I'm not texting him, I'm wishing I could be texting him. When I'm texting him, I wish we could be hanging out in person. And when I see him in real person, it's like my brain turns to stupid mode. All my witty repartee vanishes. It's horrible.
So, verbally, I'm getting nothing. Bryan could be my best friend, the way we talk. It's all humor and out-joking each other and out-nerding each other. (For the record, I currently have him beat. Star Trek, baby.) But physically? He sending all kinds of signals.
"What do you mean, Jenica?" you ask. "If you are so socially awkward, how do you know what to look for when it comes to reading people?"
Well, my somewhat-snarky reader, the answer is elementary: I researched it. I went online and, in typical me fashion, googled "How to tell if a boy likes you."
Yes. Go ahead. Facepalm. I have no shame.
A lot of the websites/quizzes I read contained many of the same kinds of thought patterns. I shall list them, along with my observations of Bryan's behavior.
- Does he look at you a lot? Yes. I mean, when he talks, even in large groups, he looks my way often. Sometimes I see him looking at me anyway. I try not to "notice" too often.
- Does he angle his body towards you when sitting? More specifically, do his feet face in your direction? YES. And I thought that this was a "friends" signal, like, "Hey, we're cool, and I'm going to face in your direction, but I'm not sitting close to you or whatever." You know? But, apparently sitting farther away is totally good. It's like he wants to look at you, no matter what. So... good to know. And I mean, it got to the point that he would just put his feet up on the bench between us and shit.
- Does he try to put his arm over your chair? No. Well, not quite. We sit on a bench while waiting for German, and he usually puts his arm of the back of the bench. Because we sit at opposite sides, the arm isn't really around me at all.
- Does he treat you differently than he does to others? Yes? Maybe? I mean, he talks to me more, but... I don't really know. That's sort of a hard thing to gauge. I want to say yes, but I know that my hormonal brain could be making up all sorts of things. I'm really only cataloging the concrete stuff. I know that walking through doors together is always an awkward experience.
- Pay attention to his friends. If they tease him a little, about ANYTHING, that's a good sign. I don't spend time with any of his friends. I've only met his roommate, and that was at the Glee Halloween party.
- Does he ever tease you? Our entire relationship is teasing and joking. Yes. Does he ever poke fun at me? Yes, but never meanly.
- Does he imitate you? Not to my knowledge, but I barely notice what I'm doing. Nervous hands. I'm always playing with my hair or a piece of paper or my fingernails. I don't pay attention to it.
- Does he punch/hit you playfully? No. We don't really... touch. I'm a pretty non-touchy person. I think he might be, as well. Have we touched? Obviously. We've kissed. DO we touch? Barely.
- Does he seem to go out of his way to be around you? Huh. Um. Kinda? I got out of a German midterm like five minutes after him, but I found him not far from the building, and he was walking towards it. I was a little surprised, but I didn't think much of it. Looking back, that was pretty odd. He ended up joining me on a dinner date with a friend. Awkward story? I was meeting with the friend to talk about him. So, yup.
- Does he act jealous when you talk to other boys? Yes, a bit. There's a boy in our class named Jay, and whenever I talk to him, Bryan notices. He doesn't really do anything to like, stop us, but... for example, I was looking over some notes before a quiz and Jay scooted close to me to peek over my shoulder at them. Bryan stood up and moved to my other side. He could have been looking at the notes, but... I like to believe that he dislikes Jay getting that close to me :).
I just... I know he likes me. The physical signs say it. Our story (recap of relevant info: We went on a date. He knows I have a crush on him. He isn't pulling away.) says it. I FEEL it. But... I hate this. I hate that my feelings keep growing and growing and he could still turn around and say, "Well... I don't like you. Let's be friends." I hate that every time we hang out, I have to explain to my friends that I have a "kinda-sorta date with Bryan." It's humiliating. I feel like everyone feels sorry for me, when they have no reason to do so. I'm happy but, I wish this were more real.
I feel like I'm sketching this gorgeous work of art in graphite. It's beautiful and it would be really hard to destroy, but... it could be erased. Bryan could take a chunk of rubber to it and ruin it all. I want to start using ink now. I want to Sharpie the fuck out of this drawing. Yeah, we could still burn the paper, but... well... you get the picture. No pun intended.
Let's see... is there anything else to say? We're having dinner next week. I'll be sure to write it all out in grotesque detail.
Can I be honest with you guys for a second? I'm terrified of this blog. Even as I write it, I feel horrible. What if, one day in the future, Bryan finds this? I'm sorry if I've mentioned this fear before. But really. This could break our relationship. Unfortunately, I'm an open-book person. I don't internalize well. So, it's either this, I talk about it to all my friends (even the mutual ones), or I combust. This is the safest of the three. Still, I can just see us months in the future, and I call him "Bryan" by mistake, and I have to explain that I wrote an extensive blog about my feelings for him.
Dear God.
