Today was the Date. We went to Noodles & Co. and sat down and talked about movies and life and being geeks. I told him about how I was homeschooled, and he told me about how he took forever to find a niche. I kind of went off on Hans a little bit (not in the angry way, in the frustrated and confused way), about which I promptly felt horrible, but Bryan didn't seem to mind too much. All in all, we had a good time and things went well.
After we finished eating, I decided to walk back to his dorm with him before heading home. Despite the freezing drizzle that is currently bombarding the eastern Midwest, we strolled along, talking continuously about whatever came to mind. I really shouldn't have worried about what to say-- we had not a one single awkward silence. Once we got back to his dorm, we said good-bye and I went home.
For propriety's sake, I texted him and said, "I had a very nice time." We chatted a little and I said something along the lines of, "Sorry about the Hans thing, seriously. I don't really dislike him. Hey, things won't get awkward-er now, will they?"
"What do you mean?" he responded.
"Well, we just went out on a date, and I'm secretly hoping there will be another one... will things get awkward now?" Yes, I out-and-out hinted at another date. Subtlety level = -9000.
This is where I get a little disappointed/confused/happy. He replies with something along the lines of, "Well, I'd rather things didn't get awkward, but I have to let you know that I'm not sure I feel the way about you that you feel about me. I don't NOT like you, but I'd rather us hang out and get to know each other better before drawing any conclusions."
Okay. I'll approach this a few different ways, in chronological order of thought-process. My first thought was, Oh God. No. Not this. He doesn't like me. I was immediately disappointed. I still am. I mean, I kind of went ahead and imagined this grandiose future in which we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we fell in love, etc. I'm a middle-schooler, what can I say?
But then my brain kicked in. He didn't say he DIDN'T like me, in fact, he made that point clear. And we kissed. So it's not like I'm totally off-base, here. And he's right, getting to know each other as people is more important than falling into a half-cocked romance.
Heh, half-cocked. Heh.
I jumped into a relationship senior year, with a guy with whom I was in a play. Our main form of communication was texting and we barely had a conversation before we were boyfriend/girlfriend. The word "love" was bandied about two weeks later. I hated it. He was clingy and emotionally demanding and sexually way not what I was ready to handle. But, I thought it was normal and that I was the weird one, so I tried to repress it. I mean, he was twenty and I was sixteen. I'd never had a boyfriend before, and I had no idea what to expect.
Needless to say, it ended quite badly. I repressed my disgust and discomfort for so long that it eventually just erupted out of me, and I really hurt him. I didn't say anything too horrible, mind you, but he was so emotionally insecure that my "I'm just not interested in that kind of stuff" translated to "I'm not interested in you, and you like WEIRD ASS SHIT."
Actually, that's not too far from literal reality. TMI? TMI.
So, I talked with him about my problems, and he got even clingier. It was like he was clutching me close for fear that I would fly away, to reference the idiom. I couldn't handle it and I called the whole relationship off. He crumbled. He shot me woeful glances during rehearsal and spoke around me, as if I didn't exist. It was absolutely horrible.
And that all bubbles down to this one sentence: I never want to find myself in a relationship with a relative stranger EVER EVER AGAIN. So Bryan's words made absolute sense to me.
But then my heart made a logical comeback: Isn't that what dating is? Getting to know each other to see if a romantic relationship is in the cards? I mean, that's always been my definition of dating. It takes at least three or four dates to get to relationship-level, and then things progress from there. Hold on, definition coming... Urban Dictionary defines a date as:
That's Urban Dictionary. You don't fuck with that shit. So, essentially, Bryan wants us to date. He just doesn't want to call it dating. So... I'm disappointed/confused/happy."Two people getting together for an activity when the possibility of romance between them has been broached but not ruled out. Since the exploration of romance is the purpose of a date, merely asking someone out on a date is sufficient to broach the subject. Dates may or not continue once a couple have entered into a romantic relationship. The word "date" may be used to identify a get together between two people not romantically involved, but this usage is meant to convey irony, since such a meeting is not a date in the true sense of the word."
I'm not sure if this puts "Socially Awkward Romance" on hiatus or not... I mean, this really is a socially awkward romance... but I don't want to write about being friends with someone. I will probably continue with it, honestly. I like-- reading myself type? Ew.-- far too much to abandon this thing completely. Plus, who knows? Centuries from now, anthropologists will dig through the "World Wide Web". They may stumble upon (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? :D) this blog and think, "Ah, what a quirky and uncomfortable romance story. We should reenact this as a testament to how romance has changed since the invention of [insert technological device that helps romance somehow]."
Alright, that likelihood is low. But I have hope.
That's about all for this blog entry. I'm going to sell out a little here and tell you to drop me a comment if you a) like my blog, b) dislike my blog (if so, why?), or c) read the damn thing at all. Honestly, if you're reading my shitty blog entries, you deserve a happy-Jenica-brownie. So... I want to dwindle and type more because I have homework to do... but good-bye. I'm going to go be responsible. Ew.
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